My learning curve:
Upon starting this blog I have found myself having a thorough self-evaluation. As I mourned the last two years that I shared with my pathetic loser of an ex, I also found myself evaluating my own thoughts, feelings and actions throughout the relationship. I was actually quite surprised about what I uncovered. Firstly, don’t judge me. I’m not the proudest of how I handled this relationship and believe me I had good intentions and would never want to do anything to truly harm someone. But the reality is it could of really hurt him and so for that reason I’m titling this a ‘near miss.’
The conclusion I have come to is that I tired way too hard to try and love this guy. I tried hard and blamed myself when I just wasn’t feeling it! To be honest he didn’t help. Don’t get me wrong I did love him. But it was sort of how I love my friends, my bunny rabbits and my food… I guess actually I just loved having someone there to spend time with now and again and someone who brought me presents and would take me away. I loved the companionship. I wouldn’t go as far to say I was using him, I did love him and was always appreciative of what he did for me. I just knew something was missing. The relationship was not how relationships should be. But as a result of the very busy life I lead, it was simply that I didn’t have time to fully evaluate at the time how I felt. Or I distracted myself and ignored how I was actually feeling. I just kept it going because it was easy and for the most part fun. The truth is if I had been true to myself the relationship would have ended way earlier and for that I do kick myself. Why did I continue something I wasn’t 100% into? Maybe it’s the age I’m at where I’m too young for something serious but it seems futile to start a relationship if you don’t see it going long term, in my opinion. Part of me would think- this isn’t right, he doesn’t behave the way I would want my partner to. He’s horrible when he’s drunk. Something dodgy is going on here. This was my gut and I have learnt I really do need to follow this. The other half of me that caused me to stay was saying: maybe this is just how he is, you have to love people for who they are. SIDE NOTE: although this is true and you do need to love people for who they are, there is a difference between continuing a relationship or friendship and loving who they are and being able to say you’re great but you’re just not for me. Or just not my kind of human. Anyway. Other things I thought in passing: try and love him, he loves you (a gigantic lie but it could have been real). The moral of all this is that I didn’t treat this guy the way I should have- thank god because he ended up to be a twat but still. I never did anything truly harmful like he did but I still deserve a little slap on the wrist.
We need to be able to self-evaluate and perform thorough reflections in order to progress and learn. As a result of this we should be able to put our hands up and say “I messed up” or “I handled this well” because literally not one single person in this world is perfect. I’m sorry if that is a shocking reality but it’s true. Humility is an attractive trait to have. We are all constantly learning, no one knows everything. Subsequently, being busy isn’t an excuse to not actively evaluate your life and behaviour because you may be unknowingly harming someone in the process. Unfortunately doing harm can be a lot easier than doing good.
Stay sweet my darlings.
X RH X